Today I’m feeling blah. It might be because of my coming period (PMS) or it might be because I’m just tired of living. I just feel unmotivated lately. I can’t find sparks in the things I’m doing. I’m just going through life without purpose.
Work has been awful lately. If I haven’t told you, let me tell you that I’m working on mid shifts. That’s 3PM-1AM Manila time. It’s messing up my body clock so badly I want to cry all the time. I don’t like sleeping and waking up late and this shift is a real challenge for me. I’m so annoyed to the highest level of levels. It also doesn’t help that I’m having problems with my new role. I’m supposed to be a developer now but I’m trained as a tester. That’s the flip side of the coin. Everything is a challenge and I’m losing all hope and motivation to try harder at my job.
It also doesn’t help that my life is unbalanced at the moment. My boyfriend was sent to another country for work. As much as I am so proud of him, I can’t help but feel sad since we can’t see each other often. I know a month is just a month but it just feels so weird. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t have internet 24/7. BUT I WON’T BE A BABY AND CRY OVER THIS SHIT. I’m just really going through PMS and this shit is about to explode.
I’m an emotional wreck and every small thing that’s being done or said annoys the living shit out of me.
My brother will be leaving for the UK and he’ll be there for quite some time. It annoys me that I have all this weight on my shoulder. I’m getting pressured by it. And right now, it annoys me even more that he has this “I’m leaving and won’t be back for a while. Sayonara, bitches!” attitude going on.
It’s my PMS. I’m telling myself. But it still annoys me and I’m getting to the point where I will let myself be affected by my raging hormones.
I’m just overwhelmed by everything and I’m not handling it well. I really can’t handle this shit. I’m still not used to having one less parent and the amount of responsibility that was shifted is just surprising me. I don’t know. I’m just trying to get by but I’m scared and I’m not sure about anything anymore.
Sometimes I find myself crying because I look at what’s left – my sister and her kids, my mom, and my brother – and then I worry. I worry about our future. I worry about how we’ll be able to continue living without my dad. He was such a strong figure in our family and now that he’s gone, it’s safe to say everything’s a mess. We’re trying to move on and just find a new balance but it’s been uneasy. It’s been a challenge. Everyone’s losing their patience.
It’s hard. There’s nothing we can do but try.
I feel uninspired and unmotivated lately. My recent quitting and lack of posts are wonderful and very visible signs. I used to use this space as a way of forgetting things. It was a welcome distraction from the hard times but now that that’s over, I feel kind of lost. My blog somehow has lost it’s purpose.
Right now, I’m just trying to write down my thoughts and see where it goes. Sometimes honesty is the best way to go.
That’s it for now. Thank you for reading. 🙂