Blog, Coffee Time
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Let’s have coffee

I don’t whine a lot. I’ve learned that whining doesn’t really get you anywhere. If you want something done, put your head down and do it. That’s what I believe in but today, no just for tonight, let me whine.

Without revealing too much from my personal life and omitting a lot of other details, let me tell you my story. My father died last year and things changed. I don’t know if it’s like this all the time, but losing him has caused our family a lot of instability. The problems we’ve learned to shove under the shelves are suddenly showing itself. There’s just a lot of changes and it’s causing me a lot of stress.

Why is it causing me a lot of stress and not my other family members? Because I worry. Because I feel like I’m the only one who cares. Because I feel like I’m the only one thinking about the future. Because I am responsible.

When my father was nearing his death, I told him I couldn’t do this without him. He said I can do it.

Whenever I feel sad, I remind myself of what he said and somehow it gives me strength. It’s not working today, so I’ll let myself whine.

I am just so tired of seeing my mom so weak. Sure, she lost her life partner but crying everytime she sees a complete family isn’t going to bring him back. I am also so tired of her acting sick. Just last week, I rushed her to the emergency room because she wasn’t feeling her best (a muscle strain and dizziness). To my surprise, she hasn’t even taken any medicine to alleviate her pain. She decided to let the pain engulf her and whine about it.

I am so tired of adjusting for her too. I am sick of seeing my uncle (who temporarily lives with us as per her request) drinking alcohol frequently (we have kids in the house, it’s not a good example), acting like a fucking know it all (constantly tells my mom things like she has hypertension when the doctor said there was nothing with her), and getting lectures from him when he’s not the best example in the world.

Before I took my mom to the hospital, I asked her if she took any sort of medicine, she told me she hasn’t. I got very disappointed with my uncle who made it seem like we didn’t care for her but didn’t even buy my mom a fucking pain reliever. Why am I getting a fucking lecture about her condition when he hasn’t even done anything to help her? He is the one who is here 24/7. I have a fucking job, I can’t be on top of everything.

I am also so tired of my sister. My sister who has kids but acts like a single woman. My sister who works (according to her) six days a week. My sister who has gotten away with a lot of her responsibilities up to now. My sister who depends a lot on my mom but barely acknowledges it. I am very much tired of her acting so proud but in fact, has nothing to show for. I am so tired of her and how much I have to worry about her and her kids. I need her to grow up, fast. I need to be reassured that she and the kids will be fine even if we’re not here. I need to know the kids will have a good future despite everything.

I am just tired of being responsible. I had to put everything on hold and put my family first. They depend on me. I may not have every responsibility on my shoulder but I do have a lot more and it’s just so unfair for me to see my brother having fun in England, my sister getting a lot of free passes and my mom being so weak when I need her to be strong for me.

I am just tired of life.

I am tired of the life my dad left me with when he died.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I will have to face another set of challenges and responsibilities. Tomorrow I will have to take note of all these frustrations and find ways to solve it.

I just hope tomorrow will come sooner because this sadness and frustration in my heart right now is ugly and I don’t like it.

15 Comments

  1. I am sorry to hear all this, Kat. It’s a brave step for you to open up in this space. I handle a lot of responsibilities as the older child in the house, so much so that I don’t have 5% of my salary to spend for myself. But thankfully for me, my family is supportive and is grateful for my help.

    I am sure somewhere or the other, you family appreciates the things you do, but maybe they don’t say it in so many words. Maybe you could have a conversation with each of your family members about what bothers you (if you haven’t done already). Getting it out in front of people helps often. I recently got into two bad fights with two of my flatmates, but curiously, the fights helped bring some order that was very much missing.

    All the best to you! Trust me, the silver lining is out there.

  2. Hang in there Kat. And, something that has always helped me out when I am stressed like that is prayer. Philippians 4:6,7 says that thru prayer we can have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. And 1 Peter 5:7 ensures us that God cares for YOU. He cares for each one of us, individually. These are the things that help me get thru the bad days.

    • Wow. How nice words! To be honest I haven’t been praying in a long time but lately with all these stresses, I found myself doing it more often. I find talking to Him gives me strength. It is true, He cares for me.

  3. Sadness and frustration is a totally normal reaction to everything you’re going through right now. Writing it here is a good way of getting it all out in the open. Don’t bottle up your feelings, or else it’ll explode on you. 🙁

    I’m very sorry to read that you’re going through some really hard times. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for your peace of mind. I hope all will be well soon for you, and I’m always here if you need to talk to someone! xx

    • Thank you so much Kate! I actually forgot how good writing as a therapy can be. ❤️

  4. “I am just tired of being responsible.” This left me crying. How your words resonated in me. While it is heartbreaking to lose your father, it is another pain to be surrounded with a family that is not holding up each other. I understand. But like what you said, let this all out. Don’t bottle it up. And if your father believes in you, I am sure you can see things through. One step at a time. <3

    • It’s true what you said. It’s another kind of pain altogether. I am slightly better now thanks to letting myself whine hehe. And I am taking it one step at a time now. I just hope all my efforts won’t be wasted in the end. Thank you my friend ❤️❤️

  5. I am sorry to hear this. Just hang in there. I know it’s pretty tough for you now but everything will be fine. We all experience these moments in our life but God is always at our side, Trust me in this.

  6. So sorry to hear that Kat. You know what they say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger? And sometimes, all you need to get through it is a little whine (and lots of wine) to get through it. Things will look up soon enough, don’t get sucked in with all the negativity..and you’ll get to the other side even tougher than you already are. x.

    • Hehehe thanks Ann! I am planning to drown myself in wine this Friday. I need to give myself a break too. It’s getting hard not to get sucked in the negativity but seeing all the wonderful and supportive comments my blogging friends left me gives me courage and hope! ❤️

  7. Hang in there, Kat! It’s really tough to lose a family member and have to take care of everyone around you. And it looks like you’re not getting the support you need. I hope you take some time to yourself kahit paminsan minsan lang, to keep yourself from burning out. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep other people warm. *hugs*

    • I love the last line Teesh! It’s definitely something I need to work on. I feel like I’m stressing myself out for others which is becoming unhealthy.

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