Blog, On My Mind
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I lost faith, hope, and love for God

Being born and raised here in the Philippines, there aren’t a lot of religions open for you. Most of us here are Roman Catholics by birth and not by choice. I was raised to believe God, Jesus Christ, Mary, and all the other saints. I accepted it whole-heartedly until one fateful day eight years ago.

The story starts when my brother got accepted into my dream school. I was proud of him but deep down in my heart, I hoped that he wasn’t going to study there, just like how my parents said no when I said I wanted to pursue my education there. But things were different from him, my parents actually said yes. I remember running to my room, locking myself in there, and crying my heart out. After a few minutes, I looked up and said to Him that he was unfair, selfish and that I didn’t believe in Him anymore. It was always my brother who had the better options; it was always him who had his way. This was the start.

I actually wanted to turn into an atheist then. I believed that everything was a lie. The bible was a work of fiction. I didn’t want to believe in any of them. It was all just a sham.

Nobody heard my prayers. Nobody listened or cared.

This went on for so long. My feelings and questions for Him still continued long after my brother didn’t attend my dream school. That incident opened Pandora’s box. I had questions about my faith I wish I didn’t have to ask.

I don’t remember when exactly things started to turn around. What I do know for sure is my journey back to Him is long, challenging, and quite honestly, embarrassing. I remember talking to Him and asking for forgiveness for all the things I’ve said. It’s hard. It’s admitting you are wrong. No one likes to feel that way but it was necessary to begin my journey back to him. The road wasn’t easy, I tell you. Because even if, I asked for an apology, the questions that I’ve asked have somehow awakened me. The logical side of things started to get in the way of my faith.

I only fully started to trust and depend on Him last year. When my dad was dying. It took such a devastating event for me to find Him fully. I held on to Him. I let Him guide, strengthen, and protect me. I turned back to my religion.

If I have to be fully honest, I don’t know if I can ever face Him. I feel ashamed of what happened in the past. I feel like I have a long way to go before He can forgive me. I try, though. I try to talk to him nightly to tell Him about my day and how thankful I am for His love. I try to attend mass every Sunday. I try to be a better Catholic. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned through my ordeal, it’s that He works in mysterious ways. He has a plan for you, all we need to do is hold on.

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This post was inspired by Jai’s post “Do You Have Trust Issues With God?”

4 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. As human beings I don’t think we will ever truly understand God’s forgiveness and mercy. At times we question him because we are searching for understanding. All of this helps us grow closer to him and develop a deeper relationship. Thankfully he doesn’t require perfection, just that we give him our individual best.

  2. Faith/religion is always a touchy subject, and i’m happy that there are people who write about it on a personal level.

    Personally, I *think* I would be a better Christian if i am not a lesbian. It’s extremely hard to reconcile my faith and sexuality when everyone says that you can never be both at the same time. 🙁

    • I didn’t want to write about this but Jai wrote one that inspired me. 😛 In all honesty, I like my religion, it’s just the people who enforce it LOL aka yung mga pari na napaka old school at yung CBCP. Sometimes when I listen to these old school priests I feel like a child who can never be enough, no matter what I do. The good thing is I found this priest who does the complete opposite of that and he’s my savior. 😛

      I guess all I’m saying is, please don’t think that way cause He loves us no matter what. Times have changed and it doesn’t matter what your sexuality is just as long as you still follow His words. Sending you lots of hugs!

  3. Pope Francis had this story in his book on mercy about a man who confessed his sins to a priest before he was going to be executed. He went on an on about all his exploits and admitted, in the end, that if he was honest, he would probably do it all again. He didn’t feel any repentance. So the priest thought for a moment and then asked him, “Do you at least wish that you could be repentant? Do you wish you didn’t feel this way – that you would do all your sins again if you had the chance?” And he replied, “Yes. Yes I would. I wish I felt sorrowful over my sins.” ANd that was enough for the priest to absolve him. All to say, I think God is more merciful to us than we typically are to ourselves (or others).

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